The Last 24 Hours

Yesterday, fainted.  I just did everything that causes me to faint, it was completely my fault. I slept for about fourteen hours so I hadn’t eaten in about eighteen hours, and took a long, boiling hot shower. In that same shower I lost my conciousness.

Thing is, I faint quite a lot, and it doesn’t cause me stress anymore. But this time was different. As I passed out I hit something, and bruised my throat.

When my mom heared the fall she entered the shower and helped me get up, I was crying and having trouble breathing and walking. I had some food and water, calmed down, told my friends I won’t be able to go out, and calmed everyone saying I’m alright and there’s nothing to worry about.

Falling asleep was pretty tough, with the whole sore throat thing.  But what sucks most was not being able to sing. I love singing, I do it all the time. But now I can barely talk, let alone sing.

The doctor said that if I don’t notice an improvment by tommorow I should go to the Emergancy Room. I would hate to go to the E.R, but I’d hate not singing even more. It’s weird I miss it so much after only 24 hours of not singing, I guess I never truly noticed how much of my time is spent singing.

 

 

Action!

I really wanted to post on this blog, I knew it wouldn’t last but… I really didn’t accomplish that goal. At first I was on a roll, I wrote a lot and only posted my favorites. But then the second I slowed down, it just wasn’t the same. I gave up.

Once I gave up, or rather gave in to my laziness, I stopped posting. I thought of it a lot, just didn’t do it.

This is a quick post to get started again. I like posting and writing, but once I stopped I just couldn’t bring my self to start again. I felt like I failed, and handling a sense of failure isn’t something I do well.

This is “Take #2” of trying to blog.  I really hope I won’t need any more Takes.

“I will not post that!”- me, July 2017

Yesterday, I tried to write a blog post. Tried being a key word. I wrote about five posts on different topics, and each of them made me think, I will not post that!

It’s possible I was being overly critical of myself. Actually, I probably was being overly critical, I do it all the time. And admitting it is a part of solving the problem, I think. But can I even solve it?

I hate just about everything I do. My dad says I am completely out of touch with reality because of my self criticism, self-doubt and complete lack of faith in myself. I know he’s right. I know I should be more realistic and less crazy when thinking of my own abilities, but I can’t bring myself to do it.

When creating something, or applying somewhere, all I can think of is how much I suck. All I can think of is how everyone must be better than I am, and how I will never achieve whatever goal I set out to achieve.

Sadly, I can’t do what everyone does and blame my parents for my flaws. My parents have always been the most amazing, supportive parents you could imagine. This stupid insecure behavior I partake in is all me.

I just can’t seem to shake this internal voice that’s telling me, You suck and you’ll never amount to anything. I want to say, fuck that voice! I want to shout is from the rooftops. But I can’t and I keep listening to it.

And so, I am sure I won’t be accepted to this amazing program I’m dying to get into, even though I have a pretty solid chance. And I don’t post any of yesterday’s posts, even though I’m sure they aren’t that bad. All because I am ridden with intense self-doubt, all because I harshly criticise everything I do, all because I truly have no faith in myself.

So, can I solve this problem? I honestly have no idea.

 

My Best Seller Fantasy

As a person who loves to write, I always imagined writing a best seller. I assume just about anyone who likes to write has this fantasy, but that doesn’t stop me.

When I was a pre-teen, I took the bus to school, in those 15 minute rides I would listen to music and think about different story ideas. One idea I was obsessed with, was this YA urban-fantasy story about an obnoxious teen who has magical powers. It was pretty cliché and not very good. I mean, it had a bad boy love interest, a “bitchy” popular girl and the main character was a classic Mary-Sue.  But I thought it was amazing. I spent so much time thinking of the different characters and the plot.

The thing is, I never wrote it. I told myself I will write it when I’ll be a better writer. But now, after I’ve improved, I hate that idea, and that story will never be written.

Just to be clear, It’s not that I just come up with ideas and never write them. I’ve written many short stories, they’re saved on my Google Drive; which I started using after many of my stories were erased when my old laptop broke. At least I learned from my mistakes, right?

Anyway, to this day I have not written a novel, despite having ideas and despite my little best seller fantasy. And it boils down to my commitment issues, I am not committed enough to my writing to actually go through with one of my novel Ideas. Some part of me views writing as a part-time thing, sporadic and occasional. I just write when I have an idea for a story or when I feel like it. I behave this way even though writing is one of my favorite hobbies and I always enjoy it.

I really want to take a leap in my relationship with writing, I want to take this hobby more seriously. The first goal I have is to write every day for a week or two, just to get myself more into this world of writing. I have currently written for  two consecutive days, which is a start.

My second goal is more long-term, I want to challenge myself and start working on a  novel. While my love for short stories will always remain and I will continue to write them, writing a novel has always been one of my dreams, and it’s time to make it come true.

So, wish me luck, I really need it.

I’m Climbing Uphill

One thing you should know about me is that I am a music lover. My parents say that from the moment I could string together a sentence, I sang. I can even remember myself constantly singing as a child.

That habit has not left me, till this day I’m always listening to music, singing or humming. Some of my friends find it incredibly irritating, but music always has been and always will be a great part of my life.

One of my favorite genres (along with rock, blues, and indie) is musical theatre. As a child I preformed in several community theatre musicals untill my stupid twelve year old self thought she was too cool for musicals. Dumbass.

Ever since I watched the “The Last Five Years” a few months ago, it has become one of my favorite musicals.. This musical is about the love story of Jamie, a successful novelist, and Cathy, a struggling actress. While Jamie tells their story from its beginning to its end, Cathy tells the story from the end to the beginning. It is truly a beautiful musical that managed to break my heart.

In one of Cathy’s songs, she discusses the grueling auditioning process, her fears and her insecurities; all in a determined yet self-deprecating tone. That song is called “Climbing Uphill” and one particular line in this song, resonated with me, since it expresses one of my greatest fears.

"I will not be the girl who gets asked how it feels

To be trotting along at the genius's heels"

I interpreted that line as Cathy’s need to succeed. She says she does not want to only be known as the girl who follows her genius partner. She wants to be known for her own merits, in her own field.

I have always wanted to be impressive. I wanted to be known, even if just by a small group, as someone who is amazing at her field – whatever that field may be.
And so, that line expresses my fear of not being successful, of not being good enough to be known for my abilities.

I want to be the genius someone else follows.

I will not be asked how it feels to be trotting along in someone else’s heels.

I just hope I’m good enough to avoid my greatest fear, my fear of not being great.

A Blog by Any Other Name

The first thing I did when I started this blog arround two hours ago was look for a name, and I know Shakespeare said “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet” but I think a good name is important so fuck that.

The name I landed on is “Try and Accept”, it’s a not very clever word play on the python language try-except method. That’s the name I chose since this is a personal, self growth kind of blog, and since I’m a word play loving nerd.

I’m going to use this blog in my lousy attempt to try to achieve my goals and accept myself. Get it? Get it?

I can just imagine someone reading this and chuckling just a little, whether it’s at my expense or just because they enjoy lame jokes as much as I do – I hope it’s the latter.

If I’m being honest though, I would be fine if no one read this blog, cause, well, I’m a realist and I have absolutely no faith in myself, hence the need for personal improvement and this blog.  And the other reasons for starting this blog? I love writing and  I have a lot of goals I hope I’d achieve with the help of this blog.

So, if you are reading this, wish me luck on this journey and please stick around.